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10/27/09 02:10 pm - WORTH A SHOT
I was sort of hoping to make this journal more of something where I could rant about personal and global issues in a certain fashion, but it turns out most of the time I'd rather just talk about my day like it's just any other journal or diary or blog. However, in my opinion, I would believe that most people don't exactly like to read about the mundane as much as rants. Or maybe it's just that my life is so horribly boring that if I were to write about a typical day in my life, I would end up deleting it. I mean, I'll probably delete this. Or edit it a lot next week. Which is totally wrong because that's like rewriting the past. It's not like I'm changing actual events or anything. Just the stuff that sounds stupid. Which is all of it, basically.
This doesn't even make very much sense and it's completely irrelevant to anything. I'm stoned. I'm wasting time 'til Lesley is off work. I only ever make plans during the evening. I don't know why. I have all the time in the world to be doing anything, really. Anyway, lately I'm in the habit of tidying up my apartment every day, then pacing around it. Maybe bathing, but usually not. Sometimes I don't even get dressed. I don't even like getting dressed anymore. I used to love it. Know what else? I can't watch movies anymore. I hate them. Almost every single fucking one of them, they all suck. I wonder if I sound like a big snob when I say that, but it's true. I really just think it's this black cloud over my head lately. Or, like, a chemical imbalance. No, maybe it's just that I only enjoy a few good movies. Maybe I've matured and learned to appreciate finer films. It's probably a little bit of all three.
I believe I still have a bladder infection. It feels a bit better today. I definitely felt good when I woke up. I need more cranberry pills. I'm not going to see a doctor because I don't have money for antibiotics. And I don't want to take that shit anyway. I I I. Me me me. Whatever, it's my journal, I'm talking about myself because it's my journal. And, honestly, I'm a little self-absorbed. No, I'm very self-absorbed. When did I become this type of person? Who the fuck am I? At least I'm not making lists of what I've eaten today. And talking about a personal dilemma involving calling a guy or not. Or whining that my friends are talking about me when I'm not around. And at least I'm not complaining about my mother or brother or dad or anything. Really, I've grown up a bit.
I think I have this weird problem where my mind matures faster than my body. I'm having trouble keeping up. I swear, I'm always a couple steps behind in the developmental department. I believe my mind and brain are not the same thing, by the way, obviously. Or maybe they are. Anyway, that's my excuse this time.
On a very serious note, my Uncle George is going to pass away very soon. I'm shocked and stricken with sadness over it. He's my favourite uncle, I bring my boyfriends to meet him and my Aunt Linda, we always crack jokes. He's the best. And to so suddenly find out it's going to be over, it upsets me so much. I've never known how to deal with death. I know I miss people that have died. As I get older, I find losing a loved one gets harder and harder. I don't know if I should go home or not. They are going to pull the plug. The funeral will be almost unbearable. It's so sad. And my family is the kind of family that doesn't cry, so I'll probably be the only one losing my cool. I can't contain my emotions sometimes.
I keep turning Martin down for dates. It's just that I made plans with Lesley, I can't break them. I would never ditch her for a guy. Well, maybe if she did it to me first. Two wrongs don't make a right, but whatever, I'm human. I just hope he doesn't think I'm pushing him away. It's a tough time for me, I feel like a leech when I'm around other people. As I said, I'm such a wet blanket. Actually, that might be the reason I started writing here again. So I won't try to define what I'm writing, I'll just, like, write. Maybe one day it will be worth something to me.
This doesn't even make very much sense and it's completely irrelevant to anything. I'm stoned. I'm wasting time 'til Lesley is off work. I only ever make plans during the evening. I don't know why. I have all the time in the world to be doing anything, really. Anyway, lately I'm in the habit of tidying up my apartment every day, then pacing around it. Maybe bathing, but usually not. Sometimes I don't even get dressed. I don't even like getting dressed anymore. I used to love it. Know what else? I can't watch movies anymore. I hate them. Almost every single fucking one of them, they all suck. I wonder if I sound like a big snob when I say that, but it's true. I really just think it's this black cloud over my head lately. Or, like, a chemical imbalance. No, maybe it's just that I only enjoy a few good movies. Maybe I've matured and learned to appreciate finer films. It's probably a little bit of all three.
I believe I still have a bladder infection. It feels a bit better today. I definitely felt good when I woke up. I need more cranberry pills. I'm not going to see a doctor because I don't have money for antibiotics. And I don't want to take that shit anyway. I I I. Me me me. Whatever, it's my journal, I'm talking about myself because it's my journal. And, honestly, I'm a little self-absorbed. No, I'm very self-absorbed. When did I become this type of person? Who the fuck am I? At least I'm not making lists of what I've eaten today. And talking about a personal dilemma involving calling a guy or not. Or whining that my friends are talking about me when I'm not around. And at least I'm not complaining about my mother or brother or dad or anything. Really, I've grown up a bit.
I think I have this weird problem where my mind matures faster than my body. I'm having trouble keeping up. I swear, I'm always a couple steps behind in the developmental department. I believe my mind and brain are not the same thing, by the way, obviously. Or maybe they are. Anyway, that's my excuse this time.
On a very serious note, my Uncle George is going to pass away very soon. I'm shocked and stricken with sadness over it. He's my favourite uncle, I bring my boyfriends to meet him and my Aunt Linda, we always crack jokes. He's the best. And to so suddenly find out it's going to be over, it upsets me so much. I've never known how to deal with death. I know I miss people that have died. As I get older, I find losing a loved one gets harder and harder. I don't know if I should go home or not. They are going to pull the plug. The funeral will be almost unbearable. It's so sad. And my family is the kind of family that doesn't cry, so I'll probably be the only one losing my cool. I can't contain my emotions sometimes.
I keep turning Martin down for dates. It's just that I made plans with Lesley, I can't break them. I would never ditch her for a guy. Well, maybe if she did it to me first. Two wrongs don't make a right, but whatever, I'm human. I just hope he doesn't think I'm pushing him away. It's a tough time for me, I feel like a leech when I'm around other people. As I said, I'm such a wet blanket. Actually, that might be the reason I started writing here again. So I won't try to define what I'm writing, I'll just, like, write. Maybe one day it will be worth something to me.
